This has been a long time coming.
The Birth of Adelaide Lillian: Learning to Love My Scar
If birth and other bodily functions such as vomiting and
diarrhea and bodily liquids such as blood and mucus and such gross you out STOP
reading and come back to my blog later! If not, here is my birth story!
I have always loved birth! I loved watching medical shows on
Discovery Health about all types of birth. I watched births on YouTube. Why,
you may ask? Because birth is amazing! It is new life; it is miraculous. It
shows the strength of women, it shows the strength of babies. It shows how
programmed and designed our bodies truly are!
Watching these shows, I started to see a pattern. A pattern
of doubt in women’s bodies, doubt in the strength of a baby, doubt in a
biological event that has worked well enough for thousands of years to get
babies here safely. I started researching natural births (that is, births
without the use of medication) and started learning that women’s bodies are
programmed with amazing feedback loops that make birth totally doable and
rewarding. I decided a long, long, long time ago that I wanted a natural birth.
All this to lead up to our birth story… almost… at 16 I was
told that I have PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) and that I may have trouble
getting pregnant. Fast forward… we did have trouble getting pregnant, a lot of
it too. I was nearly diagnosed with premature menopause after the first test
came back positive. By the grace of God that was not a final diagnoses. We
tried for quite a while and tried some meds but decided that that wasn’t for
us. We started the adoption process, as many of you remember, and then got the
surprise of our life when I peed on a stick and it said that I was
pregnant!
I was working with a great team of midwives at the Midwife
Center in Pittsburgh. I really trusted their medical expertise and experience
and most of their individual bedside manner. They trusted my body and so did I.
Our due date was March 21st 2012. On March 1st
I experienced my first taste of false labor. I woke up and for about two hours
I had consistent contractions. I decided, next one I will wake up Mitchell…
next one never came. This happened for the rest of my pregnancy every couple of
days. On March 23rd I had my membranes stripped. That night the
false labor stepped it up a bit, this time for 10 hours. I “tested” the labor
with walks and changing positions and eating and drinking. We were having
dinner with our friends that evening. I didn’t want to tell them that we were
in labor because I knew that it would stop if I said anything. Mitch and I
worked out a system, when a contraction started I would squeeze his hand under
the table to let him know and that if at any point during the dinner they got
really intense and I needed to go work on them at home I would squeeze twice.
Well, after we ate the delicious food and talked for a while it seemed that my
body was ready to get down to work. We went home and I decided to lay down for
a little bit. The contractions slowed and then completely stopped… BUMMER!
The next day was my birthday. To celebrate, my body decided
to have diarrhea and to vomit all night. Even with this I was excited. I had
read that before labor starts that sometimes your body tries to “clear out”
your system.
The next day was Sunday. I announced something at church (I
think a prayer request for my grandfather who was in the hospital) and our
pastor asked me when I was due. I said last Wednesday and the whole
congregation exhaled a loud “OOO.” After the service Mitch and I walked the
South Side steps. If you are not from Pittsburgh you do not understand what I
mean by this so just think of it has 12 floors worth of steps.
Monday came and went as well.
On Tuesday at 2:45 am I woke to a great wetness. I was sure
my water had broken but I know that many people think that too and it is just
them peeing on themselves. So I “tested” that as well by laying down again and
standing back up in a few minutes and sure enough there was another gush (see
what I said about those being grossed out by bodily liquids turning back)
Within 10 minutes contractions started and were only 3-5 minutes apart. My
contractions continued like this through out the whole labor… no break for me…
no time to eat…
I got up and started making some boiled eggs… why you may
ask? Because I decided that Mitch would need some food while I was laboring.
HAHA! This all seems kind of silly now, but if you had told me that then I
probably would have bit your head off.
At around 3:30ish I woke up Mitchell. He helped me time some
more contractions. They were very mild but close together. We called the
midwives and they wanted me to come in to make sure that it was indeed my water
that broke. We got to the birth center at about 4 and sure enough there was
“ferning” in the liquid on the slide. (This part was pretty cool because we got
to look at it under the microscope) So, yes, it was my water that had broken
and I did not pee myself. Three cheers for bladder integrity!
We had a few options at this point so we decided to go back
home to labor for a while longer. I drew a bath and worked in there for a while
and then my contractions, still 3-5 minutes apart, started getting really
intense, I mean REALLY intense, much more intense than I expected them to be at
this point. I got out of the tub and went to lie in the bed “Peter-Pan” style.
After a while they got too intense so we decided to call the midwives again. We
all met at the birth center at 8 am. My room was ready for me. I remember
thinking as I walked through the doors “When I leave I will be holding my baby
in my arms” How wrong I was!
I was checked and was measuring at 5 cm. They drew me a nice
Jacuzzi bath and I got in and got to work. Mitchell poured water over my giant
belly and one of the nurses rubbed my leg and I said my mantra “Open” though it
sounded more like Dori speaking whale “OOOHHHHHHH ppeeeehhhhhhn”
Did I mention that diarrhea and vomiting were back? O not
yet, well yes, they were there and persisted throughout the birth.
Again, the contractions were still 3-5 minutes apart. I
tried to drink as much as I could and eat some stuff but it just didn’t work so
well. I didn’t have time in between contractions. They tested my blood or urine
or something when I first got there and found that I was dehydrated so they
wanted to put in an IV for a little bit. So when they did that I also asked for
the only pain medicine that they administer at the birth center called Nubane.
She described it as taking the edge off enough for me to get some rest, which I
certainly needed at this point. So at about 10:30am (and 6 cm) they put me on
the IV and I rested. I didn’t fall asleep. I would still moan at the peek of a
contraction but it allowed me to get the strength that I needed to keep going
as naturally as possible. It helped me refocus and after I came off of it I
could tell that I was in much better control of my body and my pain.
At 11:30ish we took the IV out and I went back to work. Now
I was laboring on the edge of the bed with Mitchell rubbing my back during
contractions and a wonderful nurse in front of me.
We worked hard, though here is where it gets weird. Every
where I read that at about 7 cm transition starts and it gets SUPER tough.
Well, for me from 7-9 cm was a breeze. I even joked with Mitch and my nurse
between contractions (which is totally different than all the births I’ve
watched and the birth of my friend that I had the joy and privilege of
attending in January before Addy was born)
After a little while my midwife checked me and said that I
was at 9.5 cm and that whenever I felt like pushing it was totally fine by her.
Soon my body decided to push so I started pushing around
1:30pm. I pushed on the bed on all fours for a while, then pushed on the edge
of the bed, then on the ball and no progress was being made. My contractions
started to slow significantly, 10-15 minutes apart and were very weak. We tried
to restimulate contractions by hooking up to the breast pump to help my body
produce oxytocin (the natural form of the synthetic pitocin, that is right
everybody, your body actually can and does make this stuff!) and I pushed on
the toilet for a while. Still no progress, when I pushed she would come down a
little and then go back up with a net work amount done of 0! We realized that
the side of her head was presenting. My midwife asked if I wanted to go to the
hospital or have her try to manipulate the baby and that it would be very
painful.
I decided to have her try and manipulate Adelaide to get her
coming straight. I was already in labor, how much pain could she add? Well, it
was quite painful. She put her hand inside me (imagine a vet and a cow…) and
tried to help Adelaide rearrange her head but since my water had broken there
was no cushion left to give her any wiggle room.
We decided to transfer to the hospital and arrived at about
5ish (Note: this is not an emergency situation, she was healthy, I was healthy,
birth is generally a very slow process and you can see issues coming from a
long way away, most of the time. We had been talking hospital for an hour and
half or so by the time we actually started to transfer)
Walking out of the birth center still pregnant and knowing
that my baby wasn’t going to be born were I had hoped was crushing.
The whole way there I kept visualizing myself birthing in
the car (which really, I was totally fine with, I knew she was strong, I knew I
was strong, I trusted that Mitch knew what to do) I was on all fours in the
back of the car pushing with every minor urge that I got as we drove through
rush hour downtown Pittsburgh traffic. We probably would have made it faster
walking.
There they gave me a therapeutic epidural (meaning that it
wasn’t for pain relief but rather to make my body rest and relax hoping that
some relaxation would help Adelaide rearrange and get ready to be born) Can I
just say YUCK? The feeling of an epidural is awful. I was totally out of
control of my body, I couldn’t move my legs and if I laid too flat the numbness
would creep upwards and whatever side I laid on was numb and heavy. So bizarre!
I would gladly labor through two labors to not feel the YUCK of one epidural! At about 7:45 pm I was ready to get the
show back on the road. My body was still not contracting strong enough. So they
gave me pitocin.
It kicked in strong enough to get good contractions by about
8. I pushed with another one of the midwives from the midwife center. This was
so strange. She would have to tell me when to push because I couldn’t feel it.
Again, no progress. She also tried to manipulate Adelaide and again it didn’t
work. We pushed until nearly 9 pm when it was decided that the best thing to do
was a c-section. Adelaide was still completely healthy; she was measuring
really strong. My body was getting a little bit if-y though. My blood pressure
was dropping and raising and such so we went the prudent route, at this point
in time, and had an unplanned c-section (Note: this is VERY different form an
EMERGENCY c-section, neither of our lives were in danger at this moment, we
were not on the brink of death, walking towards a light or anything of the
like)
The OB who would be doing the surgery came in and talked
with me and had me sign some papers, as did the anesthesiologist. (no, I did
not spell that without spell check) They prepped me (another big YUCK here, if
you are having a planned c-section go get yourself waxed. You DON’T want a
stranger shaving you and I am sure the nurse would appreciate not having to
shave you as well…) and then wheeled me back.
The operating room was ugly and the nurses and doctors were
way too casual for my taste (talking about weekend plans) especially for people
that were about to cut me open and deliver MY MIRACLE! They strapped me down
and then brought in Mitchell and my midwife to be with me.
They made the incision and I started to feel nauseas again.
I could hear the OB saying that she was really stuck in there and I could feel
her mashing on me to help dislodge Adelaide. I told the nurse who had told me
that she was MY nurse that I was feeling nauseas and she placed a bag with a
NARROW opening by my face and told me that “you’ll feel better once they put
your uterus back in” cue vomiting. But of course with my arms strapped down and
the bag being so narrow I vomited all over my face and it dripped back into my
hair, twice.
We found out that Adelaide was sunny-side up and with her
head bent over to one shoulder so her left temple was presenting rather than
the crown of her head. The chances of her being born healthy, vaginally were
slim once her temple was wedged in the birth canal.
At 11:08 pm on March 27th my daughter was born! Once
they pulled her out I could hear her cry. Man, did she sound strong! They took
her over to the side and I could see her long toes and her wonderfully pink
skin. I told Mitch to go over and meet his daughter and to take pictures with
the camera to bring back and show me.
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| My husband holding my daughter and me wishing I could |
They mashed on me some more and stapled me back together (I
looked like a creepy monster of Dr. Frankenstein down there) They had Mitchell
leave the room and then they transferred my numb body to another bed, propped
me up a bit and placed my amazing daughter, the one I have been praying for
since I was 16, the one who occupied my dreams, the one who I felt wiggle and
move in my belly as if it was not a miracle. I wanted some pomp and
circumstance for this MIRACLE in my arms. I don’t care where you ate dinner
tonight! Could those nurses not have waited until they were out of ear shot to
speak of such mundane things in such a super natural moment as this?
I got the welcome for Adeladie that I wanted when I got back
to my room and my dad was standing there with tears in his eyes.
The stay at the hospital certainly had its ups and downs.
Downs: a nurse that tried to tell me to give my 4 HOUR OLD daughter formula!,
my pain meds being about an hour late, catheter, student-nurses who had
obviously NEVER held a baby before trying to tell me how to care for a child.
Ups: fabulous lactation consultant that helped quite a bit because when I was
on the breast pump at the birth center my nipple was damaged because I wasn’t
really paying attention to a proper fit, flowers from my mom, aunt, and
grandma.
Healing from a c-section SUCKS. You aren’t allowed to carry
your own baby from place to place because the meds make you dizzy. Your middle
hurts and you are crazy swollen. This was the only time that I had any swelling
at all. I couldn’t put my wedding ring on and I couldn’t put on shoes.
I trying to learn to love my scar. And I am getting better at it. This is what helped bring my daughter into my arms. This is my scar.
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| My scar a couple of weeks after the surgery |
Reflections:
-At one point in time my midwife asked if I wanted the fore
bag of waters broken (meaning that there was a small pocket of liquid still
left) I said yes but maybe, just maybe it would have added enough wiggle room
(though it is doubtful and “what-ifs” aren’t very helpful)
-I now see, after many months, that my body slowing down its
contractions wasn’t an example of my body failing, but rather it shows how in
tune my body was with my baby. My body was stepping down the intensity to help
Adelaide maintain healthy vitals! She was never “at-risk” through out our whole
birthing experience because my body knew when to push and when to let her rest!
-Nurses play such a HUGE role in the feel of a room.
-If I had to do it all again I would still start off
laboring naturally with my midwives. They prudently observed, gave advice for
positions to try, and when needed, provided interventions. They wisely advised
me during my birth and helped Adeladie and I both end up healthy.
-And when/if the next belly baby comes (not “if” we want
more children because we definitely do, but “if” we are able to get pregnant
again) I am absolutely going to VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) I’ve
already found a midwife and birth center only five minutes from our new home
that works with VBAC mommas!
-I really wish that I had pictures of me laboring as a
reminder of how CRAZY STRONG I AM!
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| Mitchell and Adelaide by her name at the birth center, 2 weeks old! |
