The day I met baby Theo

Sunday January 24, 2010

Robin just returned with a new baby. He is one and a half years old and weighs just 6.9 kg. He was living with his grandmother and doesn't have a name.

God I just don't understand. Lord please five this baby strength and be with him tonight as he sleeps in a new place. Give him peace and security. Let him know that he will be okay.

The idea of little Theo, named the next day meaning "Gift from God", not having a name broke my heart. His healing process at Acacia Tree took a long time. He distrusted many people especially white men. He took a long time to warm up to Mitchell. He was terrified of the kitty that would come in to the house occasionally looking for scraps of food.

Isaiah 40:26

"Lift up your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these? He who brings out the starry host one by one and calls them forth each by name. Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing"

John 10:3

"The gatekeeper opens the gate for him, and the sheep listen to his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out."

God knows our name even when we don't have one. God has his eyes on us and protects us even we are neglected and alone. I know that God had his hands of protection over Theo even before he came to our attention.

As Theo continued to heal we all fell in love with his hilarious faces. We all began to see his sneaky mischievous side. He was loud and vocal. He would play silly games.

Mitchell and Theo were instant buddies. They would joke around and play. Blessed and Theo also had a funny relationship that always made me smile.

Theo got big and fat and is now home with his grandmother.

Please pray that God continues to show babies to Robin that need love and attention and healing.

Acclimating

Thursday January 21, 2010

If I could write for days I still couldn't recount every thing that happened today. All that I saw, all the I learned and all that I heard.

God, my God, the one who put the stars in the heaven, the one who put the fish in the ocean, the one that has my tears in a jar, my God who calms my heart, who calms the fear of African children my God is BIG.

In America and in all "modern" places we think so much of ourselves it is hard to acknowledge others, especially God, a god that knows the intimate details of their heart, a god that knows their weaknesses and fears.

There is so much to say and the sun has already set, so I offer snapshots.

-As we were driving to take pictures of children who need surgery to try to get sponsors to pay for their $50, life changing surgery, a little kid stood out in the road blocking us, then giggled and ran off. It was simple and sweet.

-Also as we were driving on a beautiful road that overlooked Lake Victoria some cattle were crossing the road. I smiled because I was thinking back to my trips to Mexico. On one trip on the road to Nuevo Progresso cattle stopped and blocked the road. I took a picture and it is still one of my favorite photos.....

I have so much more to say but have not the time. In closing here is what I saw today.

-children

-red dirt

-shacks

-stores

-markets

-churches

-closed down orphanage

-victims of rape

-victims of abuse

-smiles

In a word I saw hope.

This is a portion of my journal from one year ago today. It was an exhausting day but so rewarding. We saw so many young people who needed medical help, such simple surgeries that would change their lives. At this point in time Mitchell and I were still acclimating to every thing that we were newly surrounded by.

If you want to help Acacia Tree here is a list of things that she needs:

This is a random list of things that would help me, my staff, the babies, my girls or some of the kids we help in the community. I'm sure I'll think of more in the next few days!!!

Thanks so much for asking what we need/want!!

blank CDs

2 Better Homes& Gardens Cookbooks (spiral bound)

roll of drawing paper

Kumon activity books (especially cutting, pasting, mazes, number games etc)

Craft kits for kids 4-7 (like ALEX)

Seeds (lettuce, cilantro, bok choy)

Baby toys for ages 6-18 months

Macaroni & cheese

girls shoes size 9.5 (for Deborah whose is unstable)

Bath&Body works (or similar) lotion/body spray

Men's size M t-shirts or Polo (for my guards)

rat tail combs with metal tail

Reese's PB cups (bite size)

Girls bikini panties Size 8

Girls ankle socks for size 2 shoes

Black Mary Janes size 2.5 (big girls)

Tostitos (we miss chips&salsa!!)

Herdez salsa

Green chile enchilada sauce (mild)

• • 

    Zemba Children's Foundation These items need to reach Robin's Mom and Dad's house by February 9 so they have time to get it all packed . They are leaving for Uganda on the 14th.
    Address is 275 FM 3285 , Fairfield, TX 75840
    Call them at 903-389-4617

    
    

Remembering Africa...

A year ago today I was in Uganda. I had been there for just two days and was still soaking in all that I was newly surrounded by. In fact, on the 19th I was in Kampala running errands like getting money changed and searching for a shampoo in a supermarket that seemed to only have conditioner.

I thought that by this time this year life would be very different. Mitchell and I planned on having a baby belly by now but because of health issues things haven't worked that way. I have been in the midst of tons of testing and soul searching. My hope and focus has been on my future family and the joy that will one day fill our home.

I have decided that during this time of waiting that I should reflect on the past year and everything that I learned and observed while in Uganda. I will be posting pieces of my journal from that time.

Monday January 18, 2010

We arrived in Africa last night. As I laid underneath the mosquito net I listened. I heard music playing. I heard dogs barking, one pathetic cat meowing and a myriad of bird/bug noises. I could hear cars going down the red dirt road and a baby crying from across the way.

It smells different here too. It smells sweeter. Maybe the smell is hope, a pleasing scent to encourage you to dream.

There are fresh red roses on the bedside. They are beautiful.

God prepare me for the work you want me to do.

Christmas means family!

I have been in Texas this last week. It has been wonderful. As we started getting closer and closer to Fort Worth along I-30 I started screaming and yelling at everything wonderful that I saw; at every minute memory of a park visit or a family mini-trip. And as we got closer to my dad's house I was just out of control. I was sure Mitchell was going to kick me out of the car for being so loud :) He told me to unroll the window and scream out the window but he soon changed his mine and told me that that just made me louder.

I love getting to see my family and everyone. I love every moment of the holidays and getting to see everyone.

I will post more later about how awesome Christmas is! Love you all!

What does death even mean?

How do you say goodbye? I don't mean like when you move far away or travel across the world. I am pretty good at saying that kind of goodbye. These last few days have been surrounded by thoughts of death. On Friday I was told that my step mother's father had some serious medical issues that was most likely cancer. On Saturday a dear friend asked us to pray for her uncle who is only 25 and has prostate cancer. That night she got the call that he had died. Today my father told me that the surgeon that Grampy's problem is inoperable. People who have similar issues general live for three weeks to three months more.

I just sat down and wrote a letter to my Grampy and Grammy and it was hard. How do you say goodbye? I don't really know how but God gave me some things to write. It was hard because I don't think I think the same thing about death as others.

I believe that God's timing and plans are perfect. I believe that death on earth means life in heaven. I believe that absence from the body is presence with God.

I believe Paul's writing in I Thessalonians 4:13-18

"But I would not have be ignorant, brothers, concerning them who are asleep, that you sorrow not, even as others have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so them also who sleep in Jesus will God bring with him. For this we say unto you by the word of the Lord, that we who are alive and remain unto the coming of the Lord shall not precede them who are asleep. For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God and the dead in Christ shall rise first. Then we who are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air and so shall we ever be with the Lord. Wherefore, comfort one another with these words."

I believe what Paul says in Philippians 1:21

"For me to live is Christ, and to die is gain"

I don't know if I would have the same convictions in the face of my own coming death but I believe that I would. The pain involved in dying is kind of scary but the moment that I am present with God will make all of life worth it.

I think of the Chris Tomlin song "How Can I Keep From Singing" the line, "I will sing with my last breath sing for I know that I will sing with angels and the saints around the throne"

But how do I say that same thing to someone on the cusps of death. How do say these things without sounding insincere or naive or strange?

My God is amazing. He makes the hard things easy and comforts us in the times that feel like they may crush us.

*Update: Last night, Monday the 1st, my grandfather walked through the pearly gates healed and whole around 10:30.

Hoping Place

I wrote a little while back, after I got back from Uganda, about the direction God is directing my life. I wrote about how I now understand that my purpose in life is to make my house a home that is open to anyone that needs a home. I have these big dreams about creating a nursery for when we are blessed with children to love and about designing a super cozy guest room for anyone needing a place of respite. I can see Mitch, Theo and I playing with our children at the park. I see all of these things. I imagine me cooking up a big meal for people who need some food. I hear a tea pot whistle on the stove as I set out some big tea cups to have heart felt conversations on the couch.

It's kind of strange. I see the finish line and I see where I am now. I am doing my best to take steps forward yet there are somethings that only God can do. It is kind of like the "waiting place" from Dr. Seuss' "O The Places You Will Go", kind of. But I am not just waiting on a train to come... or the wind to blow... I am more so in a "hoping place". I have faith that some day soon. I will put to full use all that I have been prepared to do. The bible says "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1.

That is where I am. To the rest of the world that is rushing by at a million miles an hour it may seem like I am standing still and sometimes that makes me feel a little foolish or dumb but it really shouldn't. Does a butterfly feel foolish when it is in a cocoon? Does a seed feel dumb as it slowly grows even before it breaks the soil? No... they somehow understand that this time of hoping, this time of faith, is molding them to be stronger and to bear much fruit. I am not the first to be in this waiting place where faith is required, no, where faith is all there is.

Hebrews 11 tells of many people who only had faith and hope to spur them forward. I want to highlight some of them here. Noah had great faith when he, bearing the scorn and shame of those around him, built a giant boat on his dry land and proceeded to fill it with animals even though there was no sign of rain. I kind of feel like that. I am preparing my home for that which there is no sign of. Abraham and Sarah had great faith when they trusted that God would give them a child even though they were very old and yes they strayed from their faith and doubted and Abraham had a son with his handmade but they soon realized their error and put their faith back into God and He blessed them with Isaac. It says of Sarah that "she judged him faithful who had promised". I love that. She weighed what she had been told against what she knew and what she had seen in her life and around her and knew that God would be true. I feel like that sometimes, like nothing around me should give me any hope towards my dream but I know God and what he has done for me and how he has poured his love out onto me beyond measure and I know that he will sustain me. Hebrews also speaks about Jacob who praised God even with his dying breath. And of Moses' parents. I cannot imagine what I would do if God told me to go set my child into the Allegheny River, let alone the Nile (it has crocodiles), in a basket. I would think I had lost my mind. Surely God wouldn't ask me or call me to do something so bizarre. Yet that is what they did. They laid their new son into the Nile River in a basket and had faith that God would provide and he did. The baby was pulled out of the river by the Pharaoh's daughter. Mind blowing!

All this is mostly written out for me to process this strange place that I am in. I suppose that I have been in this "hoping place" since returning from Uganda. While in Africa I had a specific purpose and I knew what I had to do I was constantly surrounded by it. Here I am waiting. Here I am building a boat in the dry season. Here I am trusting he who has promised. Here I am putting all my love and joy into a basket and praying for the best (figuratively of course).

Maybe you are in this place too... just like me. I want to encourage you. God has done amazing things in my life. He has pulled me from dark places. He has blessed me beyond belief. And He has used me in amazing ways to bring glory to His name. I have fed and held the orphans of Africa. I have clothed those without clothes. God has used me to love and to teach. Have faith and God will use you in ways that at the end of the day leave you exhausted, humbled, in awe and completely excited for what comes next.

"In hope of eternal life, which God, who cannot lie, promised before the world began"

Titus 1:2

"I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith;"

2 Timothy 4:7

"Faithful is he that calls you, who also will do it"

1 Thessalonians 5:24

"And let us not be weary in well doing; for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not."

Galatians 6:9

"In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by an action, is dead."

James 2:17

"For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not have, we wait for it patiently"

Romans 8:24-25

"You are my refuge and my shield. I put my hope in your word."

Psalm 119:114

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer"

Roman 12:12

Soul Searching

Something that I was reminded of yesterday in church was that our relationship with God isn't just a *poof* now you understand everything. It is a wrestling, like Jacob in the desert. The hard questions and even harder answers grab onto you and wrestle with you all through the night and just as you think you are getting the upper hand the question reaches down and hurts your hip (well maybe not exactly but something like that).

I think that if all of us would be a little bit more real and actually embrace that we have questions and really allow our selfs to soul search for the answers we might all be a little better off.

So many questions run through my mind all the time that I don't know what to do with. I don't know how to interpret them, process them, and share them.

Questions like:

God why do you allow people who were so close at some point in time to walk so far away from you that just by being out of your light they seem like totally different people?

God why don't I always feel held and understood?

How is it that coming to You and following You has put me in such lonely places?

and even questions that I don't feel like even really talking about like:

God why do you allow women to get pregnant that are just going to have an abortion or who aren't going to properly care for their children when there are so many women trying desperately to have their own children?

Will it all be worth waiting for?

I used to even wonder if I was going to get bored in heaven. I used to wrestle with that question. I used to say, in my head, well I like living for Jesus but I don't know about that whole eternity stuff, it just seems to long. But I wrestled with it (more so it wrestled with me) and as I read a book, The Shack, I started realizing that heaven is about unity it is about the opposite of loneliness it is fulfillment and family and togetherness.

Or when Norah came to Acacia Tree just a frail skeleton with baggy skin who if you would try to look at her, her eyes would roll back in her head and she would shut down I really had little hope. I would question God. How could you let her suffer like this at the hands of those who are supposed to love her? How in the world will she ever make it? Because to tell you the truth to me she looked more dead than alive. I carried her to the hospital and as I was sitting in the van waiting to take her in I heard wailings start, the wailings that are called out when someone dies. Then they rolled the body by the car covered with just a sheet. The pavement was very uneven and I could see the now lifeless body shake with each pot hole and divot in the road underneath it's improper covering. I saw his empty feet sway from side to side. I saw them bring out the bed the now dead man had been lying on and place it in the sun to disinfect it. Just like that he was gone and the hospital was making way for the nest sick patient. At the same time I saw a big black bird land on the ground at the hospital which in Uganda is an omen of death waiting to take someone away, as I was told by Diana. I was terrified. Everywhere I looked it seemed that death was coming down around this little girl. I didn't understand. I wrestled with the seeming injustice. God if she isn't going to make it just call her home so she won't have to suffer anymore.

Yet we covered her in prayer. As I tried to feed her I prayed that she would take the milk because most of the time she wouldn't. As I held her or tried to even look at her I prayed that God would renew her spirit within her to have even a shred of hope. As we would bathe her we prayed that the terrible memories that seemed to be making her scream in terror at the thought of being around water would leave her alone. As I would lay her down to sleep I would pray that the demons that were surrounding her thanks to her island's witch doctor would stay away from her dreams to allow her to sleep in peace. We hoped against logic and prayed against seemingly insurmountable odds. Add this amazing and tiny little girl slowly began to thrive. She doubled in weight. She began to smile and laugh. She began to not only drink milk but to eat solids. She started sleeping well, the bad dreams were gone. She even was able to bathe without screaming in time. And now praise to God she is home with her family that now has seen the love of Jesus first hand, Jesus brought their daughter back from death. I had already left Uganda by the time she went home but I saw the picture on the Zemba Kids facebook page and the look on her father's face is priceless. The suffering is terrible but the joy in healing is greater.

When it all comes down to it. None of this really shakes my faith for long because as I look back to my past and the way my life has gone I know that nothing but the blood of Jesus has protected me and blessed me in uncountable ways.

It's not a sin to question and wrestle and figure things out. On the contrary, I believe that it makes your faith stronger because then it isn't just answers from the preacher it is answers from within yourself that have been tested with fire.

I boldly follow God because He boldly leads me, there is no other way to follow Him.